Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Less talking, more tequila
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
