I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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