There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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