so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You ate ashes out of my bong
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
