why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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