Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
