My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
