My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize