I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
