TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
