I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
