My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Too much gin, very little bucket
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
