I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
