I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
