I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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