I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
