White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
