Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
