I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
