When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
