After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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