Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
