FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
