I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize