I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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