i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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