I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
