my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
