I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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