She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
