I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
