Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
