i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
