I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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