so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
