Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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