Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
