Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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