I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
