Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
