i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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