So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
