i think i have two assholes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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