Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
