My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
