So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
