Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize