Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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