I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
