pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
