Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
