I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
