you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
