so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
