I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
two words...techno handjob
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
