I heard we made out
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
