i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
