I met the friendliest cop last night
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
