I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
