Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize