Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
