My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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