I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
