Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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