I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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