I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
