You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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