i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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